Jokes? You think you got jokes?

Let's tell our BEST joke we've ever heard. Or you can make one up but google will catch you evil liars.

I heard this like a month ago:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella everywhere he goes?

Fo' Drizzle!!


(highlight to see the answer!)

lol, I'm no good with making stuff up to write down. I like being witty on the spot randomly. This one's funny though.

lol, your sig makes me shudder.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note:Please take time to read this slowly.



If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



Frank: "Recently, I was
honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



*****************************************************

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...



Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.



Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.





*****************************************************

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...



Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.



Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.



Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



*****************************************************

CHILI #3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...



Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.
Great kick.



Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.



Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.



*****************************************************

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...



Judge #1 -- Black bean chili
with almost no spice. Disappointing.



Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.




Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



*****************************************************

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...



Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



Judge #2 -- Chili using
shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.



Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



*****************************************************

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.



Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.



Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally, she is a kinky bitch. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



*****************************************************

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...



Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.



Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.



Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.





*****************************************************

CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...



Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.



Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



Judge #3 - No Report

I was at the mall the other day
eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting
next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and
blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man
staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my
son."

made me giggle

Did you guys hear about the baby born with no eyelids?


It's ok though. They used his foreskin to make him new ones.


They work great, he's just a little cock-eyed.

ewwww....

and lol roz~ i liked that one.

ohgod nick wtf at your avatar!

isnt it awesome? its how porings are made, dontcha know.

Pulled from another forum but funny as hell:

Just proves how smart mom's really are....


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Jennifer and I are just 'roommates'.

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to
be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from
the house; I'm not saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle. But
the fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother

that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer; I'm not
saying that you DO NOT sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains,
that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.....they'll catch ya every time!!!!

I was watching the country music channel the other day and I fell
asleep and I woke up racist. That's weird. They should put a warning on
that channel. I just wanted to nap during the Dixie Chicks,
now there's holes in my linens. That's right, if you listen to the
Dixie Chicks you're racist; I have a pie chart that proves it.



I hate you Google,
you've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer
with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look
up apples today." She just hits 'A' it's "Asian ass porn" instantly.
Google is like, "I'll take it from here, I know exactly what you're
looking up.. well, every time you hit 'A' it's "Asian ass porn."
Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you
jump to such a bold conclusion.

I cried laughing at the chilli joke.

That poor judge. haha (is it me.. or does that emote look like Goku from DBZ... >.>)

It does look like Goku! ROFL